I’m not going to say I know how you feel because I don’t. We’re all different, and we all process things differently. But I do know the pain of loss. I know the joyful anticipation with which you were waiting for your little bundle of joy. And I know the devastation and grief that is left after the loss of a child through miscarriage. It’s painful. It’s horrible. And at times it’s lonely. But grieving a miscarriage is natural.
When Words Hurt
The pain of people’s words cannot compare to the loss of a child, yet words spoken in response to a miscarriage can hurt. Few people knew of the miscarriage my husband and I experienced. Even then, words were said which hurt (though they were not ill-meant).
“At least the baby hadn’t been older before the miscarriage.”
“I’m so glad your baby wasn’t born and THEN died.”
“Be thankful you can have another one.”
“At least you can have children; that’s more than some people have.”
Each of those words drives a dagger into an already grieving Mother’s heart.
Grief Is Natural After Miscarriage
While all of those statements may have been somewhat true they are not helpful. In addition, it made the grief which we were naturally experiencing feel wrong. I was torn between grieving a miscarriage and acting like I could rationalize it and be okay. In other words, I was confused. So I emailed a lady who I trusted with my whirling emotions. After emailing this dear lady, I received a very loving response. And I want to share some of it with you. I hope it encourages you as it did me.
The Fully Formed Body is not a Prerequisite for Love
“People do not understand the powerful emotional bond that happens the minute you learn you are expecting. Yes, there are reasons the Lord allows the miscarriage. But it still bears the truth that there was a little soul inside you that you and your husband had created together. The Lord knows that baby fully, even though they never had the chance to fully form and come into the world (Psalm 139:16). […] The full forming of a baby’s body is in no way a prerequisite of them being noticed or loved by God. So why is it that way with people?
“I have never understood the insensitive words people toss out to ladies who have just lost a baby, regardless of the percent of bodily formation. I know that is hurtful and that you desire not to judge or react to others. But the questions and hurt still linger in your heart and mind. The Lord has “wired” a mother that way. What you feel is a perfectly natural sentiment about losing a baby. You already know that you will meet that little one in eternity, but it doesn’t fill your arms and heart here on earth. You were anticipating holding another heavenly treasure! […]Acceptance is not equal to indifference!”
Acceptance of Grief
After reading this email, I finally allowed myself to truly grieve. On that day, I wept and mourned for my little baby. Grieving a miscarriage is natural. Just because your little one was never born into this world, that little one is still your child. A very special child loved by God.
So dear mother, grieve. There is time to move on, and it is good to focus on the good and joyous times in your life. But the grief of a child, no matter the age, is natural. I pray that this helps you through this difficult time in your life and is an encouragement to your hurting heart. You’re not alone, and grieving a miscarriage is completely naturally. The grief will always be a part of you. Five years later, I still grieve when I think of the due date that passed without a baby. I watch my three children play and wonder how things would have been different if my fourth child was in their midst. But with His help, the pain does lessen, though the memories will remain. His strength is our shield.
This post was written by me and originally posted through Kristen Lisemby Lee’s ministry who now writes at Where Joy Is. Today I wanted to share with you a slightly updated version of this post. It has been 5 years since I lost my baby, and almost 5 years since I originally drafted this post. But I will say, the tears still flow as I edit this and I am still grieving a miscarriage. The pain eases, but it never fully goes away. I love you, little one. And I cannot wait to meet you in heaven.